we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
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