i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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