I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
