sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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