there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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