He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
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