I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
