i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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