I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
