Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
