he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
