getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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