Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
