So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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