When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Will exercising make me less horny?
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