Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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