Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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