I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
