fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
it glows. i had to have it.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
