I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
