he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
