Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
