If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
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