I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
