I'm sorry my penis didn't work
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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