8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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