dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
The dick lei will go down in squad history
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize