Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I looked at my own cervix.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
