I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
we're making bets on your personal life
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
