No stitches, just platelets and will power
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
