There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize