Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
