walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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