I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Randomize
