I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
