I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
