my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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