I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
