No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
