I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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