Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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