The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
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