"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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