my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
