I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
