i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
