shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
why do cheetos always look like penises
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Randomize
