hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
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