You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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