So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
