ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
