I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
