I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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