How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
So much rum. So many feels.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
