Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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