i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
