I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize